The Domino Effect of NLP State Changes: Mastering Internal and External Influence
Quick Takeaways for Coaches & Communicators:
- States are Learned: Every emotional or physiological state you have ever experienced is a memorized, learned state that your body knows how to access.
- Traits vs. States: Labels like “introvert” or “extrovert” are often just habitual states, not permanent traits. You can choose to shift these based on the context.
- Calibration is Key: To change someone else’s state, you must first accurately calibrate where they are by trusting their nonverbal physiology (congruency) over their words.
- Inevitable Influence: Once you master your own state, you realize you are constantly influencing the states of those around you. The goal is to do it intentionally and positively.
When many people first get into Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), their primary motivation is often self-preservation. They want more self-control in situations that used to upset or annoy them. Or, they want to recognize when they are in a fantastic situation but stuck in a lousy mood, so they can flip the script and actually enjoy themselves.
You learn how to adjust your own behavior. You start feeling better. And then, inevitably, you hit a fascinating threshold.
Once you get your own house in order, you start running out of things you want to consciously fix about yourself. You open your eyes and ears, look around, and what do you find? A world full of people having a terrible time managing their own states.
That’s when it hits you like a ton of bricks: You’ve been influencing other people’s states all along… just a lot less effectively and intentionally than you’d like.
Here is how we move from simply managing our own reactions, to intentionally shifting states… both internally inside ourselves, as well as for the people around us!
The Core Truth: Every State is a Memorized State
Will everyone easily recognize that they have the power to control their own state? Not always. If you or your clients aren’t sure, we have to jump back to a foundational truth I’ve taught for years:
Every state you’ve ever been in is a memorized, learned state. Your body knows exactly how to go back into that state; it just might not have the conscious triggers (what we call anchors in NLP), to access it on demand.
If you don’t have an anchor set up yet, the easiest way to shift your state is a classic mental exercise. You simply remember a specific time when you experienced the desired state.
Try it right now. Remember a time or circumstance when or where you felt incredibly happy. As the memory comes back, see what you saw then, hear what you heard then, and feel what you felt then.
- If you see pictures in your mind, make them bigger and brighter.
- If there was a soundtrack to that moment, turn up the volume.
- Let that feeling double in intensity until your whole spine lights up with the electricity of it.
By amplifying your internal representations (your submodalities), you are literally recoding your current physiological state.
Moving from Rigid “Traits” to Massive Flexibility
Often, the only thing stopping someone from shifting their state is the belief that they can’t. They mistake a habitual state for a permanent identity trait.
For instance, someone might say, “I can’t just become the life of the party; I’m an introvert.” But people aren’t rigidly one thing or another. If your building were on fire, you’d become highly extroverted very quickly! It all depends on the context.
NLP state changes aren’t about wiping out your personality or forcing a catastrophic shift in who you are. It’s about gaining massive flexibility. It’s about recognizing that you have a menu of choices, and you get to choose which state you take on for which context. You don’t lose your present frame; you just add more options to your toolkit.
The Pivot: Changing Other People’s States
Once you know you can change your own state, the next logical step is learning how to influence others.
Job number one is Calibration. You have to know exactly where the other person is at, state-wise, before you can lead them anywhere else. And here is the catch: where they actually are is not necessarily where they think or say they are.
If someone tells me they’re really pleased about something, and their body language is entirely congruent with that statement, I’ll move forward with that assumption. But if they tell me they’re “fine,” yet they’re completely incongruent (e.g., their shoulders are tight, their breathing is shallow, their skin is flushed), I trust what I see, hear, and feel over the words coming out of their mouth.
I trust what people do more than I trust what they say.
Reading the Room
When I’m training, I rely heavily on sensory calibration to monitor the shifting states of the room. I can physically feel the shift in my own body (often in my spine or around my temples). I watch for facial coloration changes. I listen for shifts in breathing patterns or the rustling of clothes.
Once you know exactly where someone is at, you can determine where you want to take them.
Chunking Up: The Ultimate Purpose of State Control
Let’s chunk way up for a moment. What is our ultimate outcome in changing our own states? Generally, we just want to feel better and be more effective, right?
But what is our outcome in changing other people’s states?
When you gain mastery over your own neurology, you become a more deeply congruent person. And people will almost always move in the direction chosen by a highly congruent person, especially when you’ve established strong rapport.
Wouldn’t it be incredible to recognize how influential you can really be? To look back and realize how often you used to get annoyed by minor details, and instead, effortlessly shift into a state where you are above the clouds?
That is the true power of learning how to change states. It’s about reaching closer to your true potential, feeling fantastic, and then having the skills to bring other excellent people along with you.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever successfully “snapped” yourself or a client out of an unresourceful state just by shifting your physiology? Let me know in the comments!
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